It's All Behind Me Now
by KidetteQueen
Summary: A mother's courage and sacrifice give Lou the strength she needs to overcome her past and keep the promise she made long ago.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I'm posting all of my old stories here. This one was originally published in Lou's Library at Lady for an Era. I was a big Shania Twain fan for about 5 minutes in my early 20's – just long enough for a story inspiration to hit!_

* * *

**Black Eyes, Blue Tears**  
_from Shania Twain's cd, Come on Over_

_I'd rather die standing,  
than live on my knees,  
begging please, no more..._

_Black eyes, I don't need 'em,  
Blue tears, give me freedom,  
Black eyes, all behind me,  
Blue tears are never gonna find me now._

**Chapter One**

Louise hid in the corner of her room, between her bed and the wall, as the sounds of the argument drifted in from the kitchen.

"You worthless trash!" her father's voice was loud enough to carry all the way across the house. At times like this he sounded like a monster to her.

"William, I'm sorry," her mama tried to calm the angry man. "I'll make some more biscuits if you want."

"Do you think you can just burn my dinner and make some more, and that makes everything right?" The sound of a plate clanging against the wall echoed through the house, and Louise winced, thankful that all their plates were metal. Her father had long ago broken all the fine china her mama had inherited from Grandmother McCloud. Now he could throw all the plates he wanted, and they would never break. Louise was always thankful when he threw the plate at the wall instead of at her mama.

Across the house, baby Theresa started crying, startled by the noise her father was making. Louise scrambled from her hiding place and ran to Theresa's cradle. Picking up the one-week-old baby, Louise rocked her, trying to get her to stop crying. Two-year-old Jeremiah was playing on the floor beside the cradle, having learned already to ignore the fighting that had become a normal part of the household routine. Only Louise could remember when her father was kind, when he would play with her and read to her; before he started hitting her mama – before her parents started arguing about her father's business dealings and before he started drinking. That was a long time ago though, and the memories were fading more and more all the time.

"Can't you get that kid to shut up?" her father bellowed across the room at Louise.

"I think she's hungry," Louise replied meekly.

"God forbid the brat goes without a meal, even if the biscuits are burned and my dinner is ruined. Put her back in the cradle."

"But she's hungry," Louise had no idea what caused her to stand up to her father, but she would be paying the price for days afterward.

"I said put her down!" her father bellowed. Louise hurried to obey this time, almost dropping her sister in her haste to comply.

"I'll teach you to back talk me," her father grabbed her arm and dragged her to her bedroom, almost pulling her arm out of its socket. Once there, he pulled off his belt and slammed the door in her mama's face, as she begged him to leave Louise alone.

When he emerged a few minutes later, putting his belt back on, he pulled the door shut behind him.

"I'm going to the saloon," he said calmly. "Louise is to stay in her room all night, alone," he ordered. He left the house, leaving Mary standing there in shock. He had been hitting her for years, and she never complained, but he had never hit Louise before now...and she'd be damned if he would ever do it again.

A determined look on her face, she opened Louise's door and softly walked over to the tiny figure curled up on the bed. Her courage almost faltered at the sight of the huge red welts all over her legs; but she squared her shoulders and sat down next to her daughter.

"Louise, honey, it's gonna be alright," she put her arms around the seven-year-old little girl. "I need you to be brave for me right now, because I'm gonna need your help, alright?"

Louise obediently wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded, sitting up.

"Honey, we're gonna go on a little trip...just you and me, and Jeremiah, and baby Theresa. I need you to gather up some clothes as quickly as you can, but only what you absolutely need. We don't have much room in the carpet bag. I'm going to get Jeremiah and Theresa ready. Can you do what I asked?"

Louise nodded and crawled off the bed, wincing when her feet hit the floor. She pulled out the few articles of clothing she owned and, folding them neatly, piled them on the bed. When her mama brought the carpetbag in a few minutes later, Louise put her things in, on top of her mama's and the smaller children's items. She would leave everything else behind, but in the very top, she put her most prized possession, her doll, Miss Annabelle Mumblepuss. She barely managed to get the bag closed, and dragged it down the hallway to the door. Looking outside, she saw her mama had saddled their two horses and was tying bundles of food to the back of one of them.

"Louise, we have to move quickly. Bring me the carpetbag so I can tie it to the other horse."

Louise hurried to do as her mother said. Mama hadn't told her, but somehow she understood that they were running away, and they needed to be far away before her father got home.

Soon, everything was ready and her mama helped Louise onto her horse, lifting Jeremiah up in front of her. Holding onto Theresa, she managed to mount the other horse, and they set off. In the falling darkness, Louise saw her mother look back towards the house, and, in a voice that was barely more than a whisper, she heard her say,

"No more."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The next few weeks were spent traveling, trying to get as far away from her father as possible. Louise helped her mama take care of Jeremiah and Theresa. When they would come to a town, her mama would try to find work to last a few days so they could buy food for themselves as well as the horses. The faithful animals were getting thin, but still they plodded on, carrying Mary and the children all the way from their home in Indiana across Illinois and into Missouri. They lived this way for several months, always on the road, always getting farther away from Indiana and her father.

At night, they camped out under the stars when they weren't in a town. When they were, her mama was usually able to do some work for someone in exchange for a place for them to sleep. Louise liked sleeping outside though; the stars were always so pretty. Her mama had managed to buy a large canvas, and on nights when it rained, she would set up a tent for them to sleep in.

Mary bravely pressed on, for her children. As the months went by though, the hard work and migrant lifestyle, added to the years of abuse she had endured, began to take their toll. She would often crawl out of the tent at night so the children wouldn't hear her coughing. Louise heard though, but she would not say anything, because she knew her mama did not want her to know. Silently she did what she could to lift the burden of caring for their small family – taking care of Jeremiah and Theresa and keeping their few possessions in order.

A couple months after Louise's eighth birthday, they came upon another town. Louise read the sign at the edge of the town aloud.

"Welcome to St. Joseph," she sounded out the words. The one thing her mama had insisted on, no matter how hard they worked or how tired they were, was that Louise keep up her lessons. Louise had never gone to school – her father said there was no need for girls to be educated when all they would end up doing is getting married and having babies – but her mama taught her at home when her father wasn't there. They had managed to keep it a secret from him for almost two years. She loved to read, and before they ran from her father, had read the three books they owned over and over again.

Mary smiled at her daughter as they rode through town. She was proud of how smart Louise was, and how diligently she worked at her lessons. She wanted to make sure Louise had a better life than she did, and she knew being educated would help with that, even if it wasn't a formal education.

They rode down the street until they came to a small building, close to the edge of town. Louise dismounted and helped Jeremiah off the horse before taking Theresa from her mama so she could dismount, happy to be off the horse for a short break.

"Louise, wait here," Mary said, taking Theresa and going into the building. Louise took Jeremiah and sat down on the steps in front of the building, keeping her hand firmly clasped around her brother's. The almost three-year-old was very energetic and loved to run and play, so when they were in a town, Louise had to keep a tight hold on him to keep him from running off.

A few minutes later, her mama emerged from the building, followed by an older man with a star on his jacket.

"Just go down that road a piece, ma'am. Shouldn't be more than a couple miles away. Big adobe building, lots of kids running around. You can't miss it."

"Thank you sheriff," Mary said. Louise mounted her horse, and the sheriff lifted Jeremiah up in front of her, then held Theresa while Mary mounted her horse. They rode in silence for a few minutes, until Louise finally asked where they were going.

"There's a mission not too far from here. We'll be staying there for a while," her mama explained.

"What's a mission?" Louise asked.

"It's kind of like a church and a school put together. A lot of children live there."

Louise's eyes grew big. "There's a school AND a church?" She had never been to either one before.

"Honey, you're gonna get to go to school for real now, with other kids your age," Mary forced herself not to think about what she wasn't telling Louise; that she wouldn't be there for her anymore, that Louise and Jeremiah and Theresa would be staying at the mission permanently, that it wasn't only a mission but an orphanage too, a place for children to live when their parents were gone. Mary knew she was dying, that it probably wouldn't be more than a few weeks before she was gone, and she wanted to make sure her children were far enough away from William and hidden where he could never find them. She silently prayed the nuns at the orphanage would let the children stay. But she didn't tell Louise any of this. The young girl would find out for herself soon enough.

They came to a small wagon path which branched from the main road. A few hundred yards away stood the mission. As they rode up to it, a woman dressed in a black robe, with a funny looking hat on her head opened the gate.

"Who's that mama?" Louise whispered, fascinated.

"She's a nun darling," her mama explained. "She lives in the mission and helps run it."

Louise soon found that the nuns who ran the mission were very nice, and they loved all the children who lived there. They allowed the McCloud family to stay at the mission, and for the first time in her life, Louise was able to attend school. All her mama had really been able to teach her was reading, writing, and basic sums. She started out in one of the lower levels but quickly caught up with the other kids her age. She was shy around the other kids, because she had never been around other children very much or had any friends, but they were all nice to her, and she gradually began to open up to them and make friends.

Mary watched this transformation with joy, knowing that her children would be well taken care of here. She had begun using her mother's maiden name, McCloud, knowing that her husband would probably not think of that name. She instructed Louise to tell everyone that her father had died. Mary hated lying to the kind people that had taken them in, but it was necessary for her children's safety. She couldn't risk her husband finding them, especially now that she wouldn't be there to protect them.

She still hadn't told Louise that she was sick, but she knew she would need to very soon. She was getting weaker every day, and it was becoming more difficult to hide it from her daughter. The nuns had taken her to see the doctor in town not too long after they had arrived at the mission, and he had confirmed what she already knew. Her body had given out, and now it was just a matter of time.

Louise had noticed a change in her mama, but she pushed it to the back of her mind, telling herself that it was nothing to worry about. She had been hiding her cough for so long that Louise was used to it. And still, she wasn't surprised when Sister Margaret pulled her out of class one day, and took her to her mama. Mary was lying in bed, and Louise knew something was horribly wrong.

"Mama?"

"Louise, darling, I'm so sorry," her mama spoke weakly. "You and the babies are gonna be fine here. You're gonna have to be their mama now honey."

Louise knelt beside her mama's bed. "You'll be alright, Mama."

"Your father was a good man, and he died a long time ago. Don't ever tell the babies any different."

"I won't Mama, I promise," Louise held her mama's hand.

"Honey, I am very proud of you," Mary smiled. "You will make something of yourself one day, I know it." She struggled to take a breath, desperately needing to speak to her daughter one last time. "Louise, you won't understand this right now, but one day you will fall in love. Don't be blind like I was, and don't settle for someone like your father became, because you deserve so much better than that baby. But don't let the bad men in this world keep you from trusting either, because there is a little boy out there somewhere, and he is going to grow up to be a wonderful man, who is going to love you very, very much. I don't want you to push that kind of love away because of the way your father was. Promise me that you won't baby."

"I promise, Mama," Louise said, not really sure exactly what her mama was talking about. But she realized that it was important to her, so she promised.

"That's a good girl," her mama closed her eyes. "I'm going to sleep now. I love you, baby."

"I love you, Mama," Louise held her mama's hand and watched as her breathing got slower and slower. She was only vaguely aware of the nuns around her as Sister Margaret led her from the room. Looking back she saw one of the other sisters pulling the blanket up over her mama's face, and she knew then that she would never see her mama again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

After Mary's death, all the progress Louise had made disappeared. She withdrew from the other children, preferring to spend her time alone. She rarely smiled anymore, and her once sparkling eyes became a dull shade of brown. The only thing that didn't suffer was her schoolwork. She invested all her energy into her studies, losing herself completely in her books. She read constantly, spending countless hours huddled up in a secluded corner of the mission's small library, as she read everything within reach.

At first the sisters who ran the orphanage didn't push her to interact with the other children, knowing the young girl needed time to grieve in her own way. As time passed, and she seemed to be making no progress toward her former self, they began to worry about her. Hoping to encourage her to interact with the other children, they began to limit her time in the library. After only a week, it was clear that this was not working. Louise had only withdrawn more into herself. She spent each of the playtimes by herself, miserably watching the other children's fun and games, but refusing to join in herself. As soon as she was allowed to, she returned to the library.

After a week of this behavior, Sister Margaret had had enough. Having developed a soft spot for Louise, she hated to see how the forced interaction was affecting the child, so she persuaded the other sisters to let Louise spend her free time however she wanted. Louise would heal eventually, she told them, but she needed to do it on her own. Forcing her to stop grieving would only make matters worse. Finally Louise was permitted to spend all her free time in the library again.

It took some time, but Sister Margaret was eventually proven right. Louise slowly began to form relationships with the other children again, and the sparkle and life they had seen blossom when she first arrived at the orphanage returned. She was still as focused on her schooling however, and by the time she turned thirteen, she was at the highest level the mission's school had to offer.

It was just a few days after her thirteenth birthday when she decided she had to leave the orphanage. There were so many children who needed a place to live; as more and more people moved west, more children ended up as orphans. The mission was quickly running out of room, and Louise felt like she was just taking up space, especially now that she could go no further in her schooling. One night, after all the other girls in her room were sound asleep, she quietly gathered her things together and snuck out. Stealing into the room where Theresa slept, she gently woke her sister, holding her finger to the small girl's lips to keep her quiet.

"Theresa honey, I came to say good-bye."

"Where are you going, Louise?" Theresa asked sleepily. "Will you be back soon?

"Probably not, sweetie," Louise answered. "I'm going away to earn some money, so I can come back and get you and Jeremiah. One day we are all going to have our own place, and we won't have to live in the orphanage anymore." She placed her old doll in Theresa's arms. "I'm leaving Miss Annabelle Mumblepuss with you. Will you take care of her for me?"

The little girl nodded sleepily, hugging the doll to her side. Louise watched as she drifted back to sleep, remembering herself at that age. Her life had been so different from her sister's. Brushing the hair out of Theresa's eyes, Louise whispered her resolve to the sleeping girl.

"I'll come back for you. I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

She hid in the shadows of the alley, watching fearfully as the man walked past. She had believed she was far enough away from St. Jo; far enough that he wouldn't be able to find her, wouldn't bother to send his men after her. But that man...there was no reason for him to be in St. Louis, not unless Wicks had sent him to find her. He had been following her for a few blocks now, apparently unaware that she knew he was there. Luck was on her side, a large crowd of people passed by her going the opposite direction. She managed to blend into the crowd, then duck into the alley before the met the man following her.

Peering around the corner, she grasped the knife tightly in her hand. She had bought the knife as soon as she arrived in St. Louis, determined to protect herself, to never let what happened in St. Jo happen again. She watched as the man pressed on through the crowd. When he was far enough away that she knew he would not see her if he turned around, she ran as fast as she could back the way she had come.

Louise did not stop running until she reached the boarding house where she was staying. Making her way upstairs to her room, she hastily threw her few belongings into the old carpetbag – the same carpetbag they had used years ago when running from her father.

Taking a few bills from the money Charlotte had pressed into her hand just before she boarded the stage, Louise set it on the bed. That would cover the price of her room. Picking up the bag, she opened her door and looked out into the hallway. Satisfied that nobody was watching, she stepped out into the hall and shut the door behind her. She locked it, and then slipped the key underneath it.

She slipped downstairs and out the back door without anyone seeing her. She had no idea where she would go now, or what she would do. Wandering aimlessly through the city, keeping a careful watch for any of Wick's men, she desperately tried to form a plan. She had spent the past four days in St. Louis, searching for a job, but it was useless. No one would hire a fourteen year old girl for anything - at least not anything other than what she had left behind in St. Joseph.

She walked for hours, finally stopping to rest on a bench outside a small shop. Night would be falling soon, and she still had no plan. She watched dejectedly as people came and went from the shop. It wasn't until she saw the sign hanging over the shop's door that the idea came to her. Sliding the carpet bag underneath the bench where no one would see it, she walked into the shop, determination evident in each step.

"Can I help you Miss?" The clerk looked up from the counter where he was adding up the sales for the day. It was almost closing time, and he just wanted to finish up and go home.

"Yes," Louise began the speech she had hastily rehearsed on her way into the shop. "I want to buy a suit of clothes for my younger brother. He's been in a growing stage lately, and everything he owns is too short for him. Why, he's about the same size as me, now."

"I take it you want something practical, that he can wear every day?" the clerk asked, scrutinizing her worn dress and disheveled look critically.

"Yes, that would be perfect. Something simple, yet durable. He is rough on his clothes, so I want something that will last at least until his next growth spurt." Louise refused to let the clerk's snobbish attitude intimidate her. She tried her best to appear older than fourteen.

"I have just the thing." The clerk showed her various selections of pants, shirts, and vests, as well as shoes and all the underthings that boy wore. A half hour later, she emerged from the shop with a pile of brown-paper wrapped packages.

Under the cover of darkness, she snuck into an abandoned building just outside of town. Slipping out of her dress, she quickly changed into the clothes she had purchased. Once she was dressed again, she steeled herself for the hardest part of her transformation.

Louise grabbed her waist length braid with her left hand, and pulled it taut. Grasping her knife in her right hand, she placed it underneath the braid, at her neck. She closed her eyes, held her breath, and sliced. Opening her eyes, she stared in shock at the braid that now hung limply in her hand, not quite believing that she actually had done it. She had always been proud of her hair; now there was no turning back.

"Louise, your mama gave her life getting you away from your father," she chided herself. "She didn't make that sacrifice just so you could end up working for a man like Wicks. Consider yourself lucky that all you have to sacrifice to get away from that kind of life is your hair and your dresses."

Resisting the urge to cry, Louise packed her old clothes in the carpetbag. She stared at the braid for a minute before stuffing it underneath the clothes in the bag. She would bury the dresses and braid in an abandoned place later. She placed what was left of Charlotte's money in her pocket, knowing it would not last much longer, and settled in against the wall of the building to get as much sleep as she could before dawn.

The figure which emerged from the building early the next morning was completely transformed. The young man placed a new hat upon his head, and started walking West, ready for a new life.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"Lou," Kid walked into Teaspoon's office, where Lou and Jimmy were filling Teaspoon in on what had happened in Fenton. Taking Lou into his arms, he kissed her, ignoring Jimmy and Teaspoon's laughing. Releasing her, he leaned his forehead against hers and whispered, "I missed you while you were in Seneca."

Lou caressed his cheek. "I missed you too," she smiled brilliantly. "But I got you a present," she teased.

"Well, let's see it," Kid demanded, smiling boyishly.

"Oh, no," she smiled back, wickedly, leaning in to whisper, "You have to wait until our wedding night to see it." Kid blushed as Jimmy and Teaspoon laughed even harder.

"Let's go for a walk, Lou," Kid was getting tired of their audience.

The couple walked in silence for a while, eventually ending up at their favorite spot, the place where Lou had found Kid after Doritha's death. This had become their own private place, where they knew they could be alone. Kid settled back against the fallen log, pulling Lou into his lap. Leaning back against his chest, she sighed contentedly.

"Lou," Kid started, choosing his words carefully. He did not want to make her mad. "The other day, when I asked you about the wedding invitations, you avoided me, and then you left for Seneca without even saying good-bye. And now, now it's like everything's changed. I was so afraid that you'd changed your mind, that you wouldn't be coming back, that it would be like the other times I proposed, and you would decide you weren't ready to marry me."

"I almost did," Lou said quietly. "I was so scared Kid. All my life, I've never met a man like you, a man who treats women with respect, and even though I know better, I was afraid that you were too good to be true. I mean, what if ten years down the road you ended up like my father, or Wicks? But I know that you could never be like them, and I was just letting my own fears control me." She told him about Seneca and Fenton, and how Jimmy, Emmett and Bonnie had helped her to see that her past did not have to keep her from her future...a future with the man she loves. "You are a good man Kid, and I am so happy to be marrying you."

Kid held her tightly, reflecting on what he had almost lost; what men like Boggs and Wicks had almost destroyed. But Lou was strong, stronger than any other person he'd ever known. In the end, she had been able to trust again. He breathed a silent prayer of thanks to God for bringing them together as they began to discuss their wedding plans.


	6. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"...I now pronounce you man and wife," Lou heard Teaspoon's proclamation and turned to look at Kid, her husband. The words her mama had spoken on her deathbed came back to her. At eight years old, she had not understood the importance of those words, or the promise she was making...a promise to trust again. But here she was, ten years later, and this was the fulfillment of that promise. Her mama had sacrificed everything so she could have this moment, so she could put her past behind her and look ahead to her life with Kid.

"I hope you can see me now, Mama," she whispered in her heart, "and that you are proud of me."

And somewhere in Heaven, an angel smiled upon the happy couple, blessing their marriage. The tears and bruises she had known would no longer be passed on to her daughter, because of the day she had the courage to say, "No more."

**THE END**


End file.
